Worn Out Wife Seeks New Life Read online

  ‘Muuum… he won’t need you to hang around for the whole time. He’ll be hopping about on his crutches pretty soon and he’ll manage. You should go off and do something exciting on your own, for a change.’

  ‘What do you mean he won’t need me? Have you ever tried to make yourself a cup of tea on crutches? It’s not exactly easy, you know. Cooking on crutches, showering, going to the loo… he’s going to need help with everything.’

  ‘Mum! Maybe if he’d broken both his arms as well. But he hasn’t. Look, you don’t need to be there all the time. He has friends; he has auntie Jackie. He can get Deliveroo if he’s desperate. Maybe you can even get cups of tea on Deliveroo now, bet you can. You should go and do something, for yourself. I mean, maybe you should still go on the holiday? You were so excited about it, so looking forward to it. Maybe you should just pack your bags and go. Dad will manage, and think about what an adventure you could have. You’ll have a year’s worth of stories to tell us.’

  ‘I can’t go on the holiday…’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because of your dad…’

  ‘We’ll put all kinds of good things and good people on Dad.’

  ‘It would look really selfish of me…’ Tess protested.

  ‘Really? You’ve been looking after all of us for over twenty years, would it really be so bad to take two months off?’

  ‘But…’

  ‘Are you scared to go on your own?’

  ‘Of course I’m not scared.’

  ‘When did you last travel somewhere by yourself?’

  ‘Well… I…’

  Absolutely nothing came to mind. She’d not travelled by herself since… since… she was a student.

  ‘I think you might be too scared,’ Natalie said, but she meant it kindly. ‘Think about it, Mum, it could be amazing.’

  Are you scared?

  The question hovered over her head all evening as she made supper for herself, as she went out for a dogless walk by herself, as she googled Los Angeles far into the night, even though she knew she’d be exhausted at work tomorrow morning.

  All by myself…

  She didn’t want to be ‘All By Myself’. Last year, she was still the frantically busy working mum of a school-aged child. There were still school holiday dates, parents’ evenings and exam revision traumas taking up her time. Now, her big family reunion had collapsed and her daughter was urging her to go off all by herself.

  But Tess didn’t want that, couldn’t they see? She wanted to be with them. She wanted Natalie and Alex making sarcastic jokes over dinner, Nat rolling her eyes, Alex quoting Peep Show and all of them laughing at old, worn and beloved family jokes. It now felt as if her family had exploded, all the elements flung far out into orbit: Alex in London – although they saw so little of him, it may as well have been the moon. Natalie in Spain. Bella, the dear departed.

  And poor old Dave…

  You were supposed to go through some sort of romantic rekindling with your husband when your children left home, weren’t you? But that had definitely not happened yet. They still seemed stuck in their parent roles. Their stressed, devoted, busy parent roles. When they talked, it was about family things, children things, house things. There were no fresh topics of conversation. There were a handful of friends that they liked to see together, but they also had their own groups of ‘the boys’ and ‘the girls’ that they went out with separately.

  As a couple, they were last on holiday together without the children seven years ago on a minibreak to Devon, where the rain did not stop for the whole three days, and they played Scrabble, admittedly several pretty intense games, instead of having sex.

  In all honesty, Tess knew her marriage could be a lot better, but she also knew it could be a lot worse. So mainly, she didn’t worry about it too much. It was on the back burner, in a holding pattern. And surely at this stage of family life, people sort of settled? Didn’t they? They accepted that romance wasn’t a big part of life and sex even less so.

  It was so very hard to think sexy thoughts about a man when you laundered his extra-large pants and could hear him break wind in the en suite. That bloody en suite… as if married life wasn’t enough of a challenge without a hole in your bedroom wall so you could hear your spouse’s every move in the bathroom.

  But, but, but… she hadn’t expected everything to get quite so old couple-ish by now. Wasn’t the internet full of sixty-something women going on about their amazing sex lives? But she was always too tired, too stressed or too busy to think about sex.

  Make tea, not love. Talk to the children… run a spreadsheet… do the ironing… nurture the houseplants. That was where her interests lay now. In all honesty, sex felt past its sell-by date.

  So… she rated herself as a really good mother, a pretty good accountant, but probably, if there was some wifely A Level, she suspected she would only scrape a B.

  Her phone rang and she saw Dave’s number.

  ‘Hello, sweetheart, how are you doing?’ she asked.

  ‘Well… could be worse, I suppose. That’s one thing about being here, there’s always someone who’s worse off than you are. I’m trying to make the best of it… and I was thinking about the summer.’

  ‘The summer that’s not going to happen any more… ah, well.’ She didn’t want to go on about it, she was sure she’d made him feel quite guilty enough.

  ‘Well, not the way we’d planned,’ he said. ‘And we means mainly you, Tess, you did all the planning. You did all the work and I feel for you.’

  She let out a sigh and tried not to feel too sorry about it all.

  ‘Are you wallowing?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, I am wallowing and I’m allowed to wallow,’ she said, ‘I really miss the dog…’ but Bella was just part of it. She already missed looking forward to the holiday… she had no idea how she would deal with the coming and going of the departure date… and, oh, everything was just a bit much right now.

  ‘I think you should go to Los Angeles,’ Dave said.

  This suggestion made her almost angry. ‘Oh, you do, do you? Think I should just toddle off to the other side of the world and get out of everyone’s hair, maybe? Stop annoying you all?’ she asked.

  ‘Tess… we all love you, but I did not want to go on your big holiday.’

  ‘Dave!’

  ‘Well, I didn’t. You just twisted everyone’s arm.’

  ‘I can’t believe you… any of you! Who wouldn’t want something like that?’ she protested angrily. ‘What’s the matter with you all?’

  ‘You’re the one who wants the big change, the big adventure. You should go. I mean, it’s not Cambodia, but it’s LA. It’s pretty bloody exciting.’

  ‘Oh, I should just go? You’re still on morphine, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I’m still on morphine, and it is awesome, but this is not the morphine talking.’

  ‘What about our couple time? Our together time? Do you want to get out of that too?’

  ‘Well… maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, would it?’ he said. ‘Maybe what we need is some time apart rather than a three-week trip together.’

  ‘Oh… I see…’ she felt a little bit blindsided. It was one thing for her to think that they could do with some time apart, but now here was Dave telling her he’d like space. First the children and now him – did no one have any further need for her?

  ‘But… you’re in a plaster cast and you’ll be on crutches… how will you manage without me?’ she protested.

  ‘I know this may come as a big surprise, but maybe I’ll manage just fine,’ Dave replied.

  ‘I see,’ she repeated, suddenly wondering if they were talking about for six weeks, or forever.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about it,’ Dave went on. ‘In a week’s time, if the ribs heal up nicely, I’ll be up and about on crutches, so once I’ve got used to them I think I could move into the summerhouse at the bottom of the garden. There’s running water already and I’ll get a little hob
and a fridge and round the back, I’ll have a chemical toilet installed, temporarily of course.’

  ‘The summerhouse? A little hob… and a chemical toilet?’

  This really was the morphine talking. ‘Dave, seriously, you’ve got a plaster cast on your foot for the next six weeks at least.’

  ‘I’ve got full use of both arms,’ he insisted. ‘Thank goodness for that. And I’ve made a decision for me… I’m not going to tour Southeast Asia, lovely as it would have been, I am finally going to spend the whole summer painting… because there is literally nothing else I can do.’

  ‘Oh… painting…’

  The last time he’d mentioned it, she’d bitten his head off. But this time, she bit her tongue. Dave had been meaning to paint all summer for about… well… ever since Alex was born, probably. All those long summer holidays an art teacher gets, but how quickly they all seemed to be used up with childcare, life admin, chores, flat-out exhaustion, and all the other things that come with being a grown-up and a parent.

  This time she didn’t dismiss his painting idea. This time she thought about it from his point of view. Painting was quite obviously still unfinished business for Dave. After all these years, there was maybe still a part of him that believed he was not only an art teacher, but also an artist.

  Dave had gone to a world-famous London art school and his class had been one of those golden years that had spawned not just one, but a handful of incredibly successful artists. Artists who were well known today – their important works displayed in galleries, and selling for huge prices. Maybe there was a nagging feeling at the back of Dave’s mind that he could have been one of them. He’d been in the group all those years ago. He’d had the ideas and the talent.

  When Dave had left art school, he’d spent a whole year painting in a shared studio, and that was when he and Tess had met at a party. He’d made ends meet by working part-time at a supermarket before his father had intervened, leaning hard on Dave to train as a teacher so that he could earn himself a respectable salary. Then marriage to Tess and baby Alex had followed before Dave was out of his twenties. And painting, really getting right into the heart of painting again, that was something Tess knew Dave had put on hold, year after year, promising himself as every fresh summer holiday approached that this year he would find the time.

  Maybe at last, this year, he really would manage it.

  ‘Plus…’ Dave went on, while these thoughts rose up in Tess’s mind, ‘I think you could do with an adventure. You maybe really need an adventure. You’re the one who wanted that big, exciting holiday the most. And… you know, I do think that some space and doing different things could do us a lot of good.’

  And there was a phrase all loaded with discussions they’d had and needed to have.

  The space could do us good.

  Dave was a very loving husband. She never doubted him. She was never, ever going to come home to find Dave in bed with another woman, or with his bags packed up, telling her he was leaving. It would never happen. No matter how much they might drive each other to distraction. He took his family very seriously.

  But they both knew things between them were completely lacklustre. They loved one other and they annoyed the living daylights out of one other. Some days, they could barely be in the same room together. And they couldn’t seem to get out of this pattern, this low-gear marriage that bumped along uneasily. Maybe he was right… maybe space would do them good.

  Maybe they didn’t need quality time together on an Asian adventure; maybe they needed time apart. Maybe he needed a summer of painting in the glorified shed at the bottom of the garden and she needed an adventure all of her own.

  Maybe she needed to try and remember who she was and what she liked and what she wanted to do.

  ‘But Dave,’ still she protested, ‘I can’t just leave you in the summerhouse, while you’re… broken. You’ll need someone to bring you food, make you food, maybe even dress you… I mean, are chemical toilets even big enough for people with crutches?’

  ‘A disabled chemical toilet, then. No, I’ve been lying here, thinking it all through carefully… big t-shirts, sweatpant shorts, slip on shoes. I’ll get my sister to come round and check on me. I’ll get a couple of the neighbours to drop by if I’m really stuck. And I will make lots of healthy one-pot meals and soups. Maybe even salads. You’ll come back from LA and maybe I’ll be half the man I was. LA, Tess! Think about it. Not everyone gets the chance of a trip like that. In fact, don’t limit yourself to LA, use it as a base, go and explore the West Coast.

  ‘And Natalie has said she’ll come and see me for a weekend or two,’ he added. ‘She can stay at Sophie’s and come and visit me. Maybe even take me out on some trips. But really, I want to be left on my own,’ Dave said, ‘so I finally have absolutely no excuse but to dig out the paint and the brushes again and really spend some time on it.’

  ‘And what about Alex?’ Tess asked. ‘I really think he needs some care and attention from us. I can’t tell if he’s really as okay as he says he is… I worry about him.’

  ‘You always worry about everyone.’ Dave added, ‘Look, we’ll both phone Alex all the time. He can come up here and stay with friends whenever he likes. Maybe he can even go over to LA and visit you.’

  ‘Oh! That’s a good idea…’

  Tess wondered if she could convince Alex to come. Sun and beaches, somewhere new and exciting – these things would be so good for her moody overthinker of a son.

  ‘Just do this, Tess,’ Dave urged her. ‘Press go, book the tickets, and we’ll all muddle along without you, somehow. Just go for it. Do it for yourself.’

  Once she’d said goodbye to him, she took a long time to think it over. She could go for a bit, she told herself… she could go for a fortnight… it wasn’t so far away… if she didn’t like it at all, or Dave needed her, she could come back. She walked all around her house, straightening cushions, watering house plants, making a mental note of the jobs that still had to be done… and realised she was prepping for River to be here.

  And River could only be here if Tess went to LA.

  Finally, before she could backtrack on herself, she picked up her phone and dialled River’s number.

  ‘Hello, Tess, I hope you’ve got some good news for me,’ was River’s opener. It made Tess smile.

  ‘Yes… as a matter of fact I do. You can come over and spend the summer in our house.’

  River gave an excited shout.

  ‘One thing will be different. My husband, Dave, will be living in the summerhouse at the bottom of the garden. I hope that’s not a problem, he’ll have a little kitchen and bathroom there. He’ll be right out of your way.’

  ‘Okaaaaay… I guess that could work.’

  ‘And I’m going to fly to LA,’ Tess suddenly felt a little breathless at the thought, ‘and stay in your apartment.’

  ‘That is amazing… oh my God, that’s totally amazing. I am so excited for you!’

  ‘Yes, me too…’ I think, Tess couldn’t help adding mentally.

  ‘You are going to love it here. Truly, you are going to have the most wonderful time.’

  12

  And then came the day when there was no more prep left to do. Ambleside was gleamingly ready to receive its houseguest. The bannister had been repaired, every loose screw had been tightened, every painting straightened, every pillow was plumped, every towel was fluffed, every guest soap unwrapped and there were vases with flowers in all the right places. The surfaces shone. All the kinks, wrinkles and wonky bits had been sorted and… it was time.

  Dave’s summerhouse adventure had already begun. He’d spent his first night there, to make sure everything worked and he could get in and out of his bed, his chair and his toilet. His tiny kitchenette was stocked with enough for two days when the cleaning lady, Angela, would drop in with fresh supplies. Paints, pastels, canvases and an easel were all packed into one corner, ready for the summer of creation.

  Tess’s bags
were packed, her passport and boarding card were in her handbag, her taxi to the train station was ordered and Dave was hopping around her, going through the travel checklist, almost impatient for her to go.

  But oh, the panic she felt when the moment of leaving came. She checked through her bag just one more time, and once more again. She asked her husband another round of final questions: was he going to be okay? Could he really manage? Should she be leaving?

  ‘Yes, yes and yes,’ he insisted, smiling fondly at her.

  ‘Come here,’ he urged, propping himself against the kitchen counter so he could give her a bear hug.

  Holding Dave felt like the best and safest place in the world at that moment and now she had no idea why she’d thought it would be a good idea to fly to the other side of the world from him, especially when he was still recovering.

  ‘This is a terrible idea,’ she whispered against his neck.

  ‘It’s a great idea. You don’t want to hang around with old peg-leg. I’m going to enjoy the peace and the quiet. You are going to experience a whole new city, a whole new world. Go off. Enjoy it. Do not feel guilty about me for one minute. I’m going to have a ball.’

  ‘I don’t want to go, Dave,’ she heard herself suddenly protesting. ‘It’s an eleven-hour flight, and I’ve never done a long flight on my own. The last long-haul we did, I was sick twice.’

  ‘Tess… don’t be mad. You’re the most capable grown up I know. If anyone can do this, it’s you. Go and have an adventure. I will really, really look forward to having you back, my love,’ he hugged her hard with these words, ‘but now you need to go.’

  No, she didn’t! She really didn’t have to go. She could change her mind; she could stay. Why was Dave so keen on making her go? Were they going to split up? Was this a trial run to see how they enjoyed their time apart? And what did he mean, he was going to have ‘a ball’? What was he planning when she was away?

  ‘Are you sure you’ll be all right?’ she asked him.

  ‘Yes!’